Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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