So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
