I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
