Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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