I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
