So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
