my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
