Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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