No stitches, just platelets and will power
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
