then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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