If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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