I wish my penis had an off switch
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
