I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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