Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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