Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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