omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
