I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
