Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
