whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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