My liver just broke up with me...
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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