That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
