alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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