I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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