Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
