On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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