he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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