that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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