Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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