carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I supernannyed him into submission
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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