sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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