Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
