Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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