Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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