I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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