Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
