you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
