Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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