A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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