he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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