Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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