I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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