for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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