Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
