Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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