someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
