Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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