she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
