I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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