I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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