Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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