I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize