'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
