the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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