we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
