Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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